Which is too bad, because Felipe seems like a decent enough guy.*
Anyway, here goes:
Q: Are you a plan-B kind of guy?
Felipe Massa: Sometimes. You always try to do the right thing, but then many times there is a fight inside you – some sort of angel and the devil scenario. But only sometimes!
Q: Driving an F1 car aside, what is your favourite buzz?
FM: Doing the job that we are doing is so different almost every day, as you are confronted with so many new situations that there is already a high buzz level. In terms of hobbies: football. I like to play football. If you ask me what I prefer, then it is clearly racing, but football comes very close.
Q: Whom do you most look forward to seeing when you arrive in the paddock on a Thursday?
FM: I have so many friends in the paddock and that is a nice feeling. It gives me pleasures. New updates on the car? You are looking forward to that every single day – and you always want more!
Anyone want to read into the Plan B answer? (Hint: Renault?) His answer to the last question does seem pretty genuine. I get the feeling he’s well liked, at least.
Q: Who is your dream date?
FM: I have already met a huge number of outstanding people – I am quite happy with this situation.
Q: Which film last made you cry?
FM: No movies. The last time I cried was when I was reading Eric Claptonâ€™s book when he was writing about how he lost his son. Eric is a good friend of mine. Reading this part of his book was a real shock, thinking that this tragedy happened to somebody you know very well. When it comes to films that I like, I would say 24. Itâ€™s TV, but itâ€™s my favourite.
Q: What are you afraid of – and why?
FM: I am afraid of heights. Not in planes, but when I go up high and look down – thatâ€™s scary. Bungee jumping – you will never see me doing that.
Q: What was the last book you read?
FM: The Eric Clapton autobiography My Life.
Q: What is your favourite way to relax?
FM: Stay home and donâ€™t do anything. Maybe watching a bit of TV, but doing nothing is the best way to relax.
Why have so few of the drivers had fun with the dream date question? Are their wives or girldfriends really going to beat the crud out of them if they say, “Angelina Jolie”? And the “short guys who are afraid of heights” theme returns here.
Q: Five things that you hate?
FM: Not sure if I can manage five. Letâ€™s start. People that lie. Fake people. Some small crawling animals with many legs – and dangerous animals. Travelling during the day – during the night is very easy for me because I fall asleep easily.
Q: Have you ever – or would you ever – dye your hair?
FM: I have done when I was younger. I had it a bit lighter, but it didnâ€™t look good so I never made another attempt.
Q: Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
FM: Piercings, no. Tattoos, maybe someday, though I am already 29 and that is a bit beyond the age when you do those things. But I like tattoos.
Q: What did teachers say about you in your school report?
FM: I was a good kid, but terrible at the same time. Not very organized and joking all the time. I was always sitting in the back, never in the front. A bit of an â€˜issueâ€™ boy.
Paging Felipe’s management: Do not yet him say things that translate into: “I’m old already. Ferrari probably should replace me.”
And… do people really hate “dangerous animals”? What’s that mean? Bears armed with machetes? Giraffes with hand grenades? Clearly, though, dangerous small crawling animals are not the way to Felipe’s heart.
Finally, if you’re Felipe, do you make the “flying springs” joke there? You don’t? Why not?
OK, there’s more, here’s two final questions and answers. Felipe just isn’t capturing my attention. I hope he does better in the race this weekend.
Q: What was the first car or machine that you drove?
FM: I had a 50cc motocross bike when I was six years-old. That was fantastic. But I think it was not so fantastic for my mum because I was really crazy with this machine. I remember one time I had 35 bruises on my body! Guess I was not the easiest son.
Q: What was the most embarrassing mistake that youâ€™ve made?
FM: I remember that very well. My friends and I sneaked to the school building one night and put a lock on the front door. The next morning everybody had to wait outside – that was just unbelievable. My â€˜rewardâ€™ was that I was not allowed to go to school for several days.
Seriously, are these pieces done yet? Have they done Fernando Alonso? Rubens Barrichello? I’d think Rubens would be on tap for this weekend.
* OK, so I just had my good F1B thought for the day. Someone remind me after the season to run our staff through these same “Secret Life of…” questions and see if we do any better. Maybe it’s the questions?