Oh, wait, all his other nicknames are mean, Ron Dennis ones? OK, well, it is time we give Kubica a cute nickname, finally.
Why? Because during this drought of F1 news — and we all know the various consequences of drought, right: an increase in snakes, social unrest, proliferation of dust bowls, erosion and destruction of crops — Kubica has come through as the latest F1 target for its “Secret Life of…” series.
I know, I know, I’m ridiculously excited, too. Do you think they planned Robert’s for this time as it would be the only way we’d be even slightly interested?
Anyway, drought-induced snark aside (that’s another consequence of drought), here’s some insight into the surprise driver of the 2010 season:
Q: Apart from driving a Formula One car, what is your favourite buzz?
RK: Rallying. Nothing more than that!
Q: Who do you most look forward to seeing when you arrive in the paddock on a Thursday?
RK: My engineer. He tells me about the phenomenal upgrades and how the car has improved.
What’s this “rallying” of which he speaks? Some sort of dance the kids are doing at their “raves” these days? (Noddy, I’m looking to you for answers.)
The second question, well, that’s for all you Kubica haters who say he’s always throwing his team under the bus! Bam! Take that. The guy loves his team and his engineer.*
Q: Who is your dream date?
RK: There are so many sports people that I have a huge respect for, so I would have to name so many, but to call them â€˜dream datesâ€™ would be a bit much. And I am not into that Hollywood thing about meeting stars.
Q: Which film last made you cry?
RK: I am not a film guy. I even cannot remember when I was last at the movies or watched a film from beginning to end on the TV.
Q: What are you afraid of?
RB: Deep water. In the middle of the sea I donâ€™t feel comfortable. And helicopters as well. They are not my thing.
Why is the “dream date” question always so tough for these F1 drivers? Just say Angelina Jolie and get over it, already. And I’m trying to think of an occasion that would combine deep water and helicopters. Sort of a weird combo.
Q: What was the last book you read?
RK: Gomorrah, which is a book about the criminal clans in Naples and Campania.
Q: What is your favourite way to relax?
RK: Just chilling out at home – when I am at home. Doing very little and hanging out in front of the TV. I just chill out in a simple way.
And you thought the whole “rave” joke was just a joke. The guy likes chillin’ and is into crime. If that doesn’t sound like a teenager who lives for hypnotic music, I don’t know what does.
Q: Name five things that you hate?
RK: Cars which are difficult to drive, traffic, milk, butter and people who are late.
Q: Have you ever dyed your hair?
RK: No, and you can be sure that I will never consider it!
Q: What was the first CD you bought?
RK: Oh, I canâ€™t remember. It must have been a tape though, as my parents had a company producing tapes.
Q: Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
RK: No! You can refer to my answer about dying my hair.
OK, now he’s really sounding like a petulant teen. “No! What did I just say?”
And… how about that list of hates? The car one, well, we all know that pretty well, don’t we? But who hates butter? And does he hate butter because it’s a milk-like product or should we really consider those as one hate? Maybe he hates cows? Probably after some rave, he was out cow tipping, got chased, his car wouldn’t start fast enough, and the cow caught him, both making him late to get home and soiling his hair so it was a different color than normal. Very traumatizing.
And, from this point, there are a series of answers that can be summed up in one word: boring. Holy Valium, Batman! The guy doesn’t collect anything, doesn’t do anything and doesn’t buy anything. There is this though:
Q: What was your worst buy?
RK: Oh, I have not bought many things actually. Lately I bought a cell phone and used it for exactly half an hour and then I realized that it was a nuisance.
OK, so Robert is not a teenager. I admit I’m wrong.
Here’s Kubs at his funniest:
Q: Your ideal non-race Sunday morning?
RK: The best would be to wake up quite early and do a run or use the bike. The air early in the morning is so fresh and clean. I often put on my alarm. It rings, my hand reaches out for the clock and still dozing I press the stop button and go back to sleep. So much for the early morning fresh air!
And, then, for all our barbecue lovers:
Q: What is the best thing you can cook?
RK: I frequently cooked for myself when I was in karting. Simple things, like barbecue, always taste much better than in a restaurant. Itâ€™s probably because you have invested so much time preparing it that you donâ€™t dare to not like it.
Although I think he really means grilling.
Wow, I haven’t been so excited for no good reason since the “Eat, Pray, Love” movie.
* Note: This probably only is true when the car actually is improving. See 2009, BMW.