Maldonado’s ‘big ball’ game

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We’ve all been having fun, metaphorically speaking, with Pastor Maldonado’s gentlemen parts this week with his comment about having large testicles as the reason he’s been involved in so many on-track clashes and incidents.

Fair enough. We didn’t bring Pastor’s attachments into the conversation, he did. I don’t believe I’ve ever used mine to prove anything I’ve done but then that’s just me, I’m a different breed of cat. I like to think that my life’s greatest achievements happened using organs above my belt but then I may be selling myself short because I have two wonderful daughters to prove otherwise.

The fact is, Maldonado has become the Formula 1 punching bag for cheap jokes, OSHA-style websites offering a sort of Days-without-Injury style mantra but this is Days-without-a-Crash. He’s been the poster boy for bad racers, paying drivers and has embodied everything that is wrong with the sport at present. Is that fair? Why does he have so many accidents?

“To find the limit, you need to cross the limit. I think I have the big balls to cross the limit every time. They were the good things in my career. I have been winning in everything in the past.

“I won in Formula One with a not competitive car, competing against Ferraris, McLarens, Red Bulls. Sometimes you risk and you do mistakes. The same for let’s say Jenson at the last race, he risk and he makes a huge mistake at the end of the straight.”

He does a fair amount of finger pointing at Jenson Button and that may not be the best litmus test for Pastor as Button is well regarded as one of the better racers out there. Perhaps sensing that, he then takes aim at Williams F1 driver Felipe Massa when asked about the Days-without-crash website:

“They should have the same for all the drivers, because there are so many drivers who are crashing for me than me actually. For example, if you look at how many crashes Felipe Massa had during last season – nobody was complaining about this”.

Now, I will admit that Felipe has had his fair share of on-track incidents and collisions—more than many of the current drivers but then he’s a veteran and can be a little dodgy when in close quarters. Having said that, I think it is worth looking at the record.

Massa hasn’t scored under 100 Driver’s championship points since the 2006 season—except for 2009 when he was nearly killed by a spring hitting his head forcing him to miss the last eight races of the season. Even then, he scored 22 points that year which is 20 more points than three of Pastor’s four seasons in F1. Different cars for sure but then Pastor’s teammate had no trouble nearing or eclipsing 100 points in the same years.

If Pastor’s berries are huge to produce that kind of performance, imagine what poor Massa must be lugging around! Excuse me…Felipe? Please, no Speedos for you my friend.

Pastor reckons that you have to put it over the limit to find the limit and there is some truth to that I suppose. You might see Lewis Hamitlon or Sebastian Vettel occasionally spin on Friday Free Practice while they press the corners and find the limit for each one. The key here is it usually happens on Friday, not during the races. If you haven’t found the limit by Sunday, trying to find it during the race may be…uh, is a recipe for disaster.

Pastor needs to calm down and relax a bit. His teammate suffered the same anxiety and fortunes but Romain Grosjean managed to reverse his slide and became self-aware on March 17th 2013. Pastor is a champion in junior series and can show signs of real pace and good driving but his balls have little to do with it. It’s his PDVSA backing and ability to listen to his team coach him—to leave the testicles at the door and start driving with his brain. That’s when he’s not accusing his team of trying to kill him.

I’ve met Pastor and he was quite a nice chap. Whilst riding in an elevator with him, I wasn’t assaulted by an ego, brazen attitude or a large pair of testicles—he didn’t try to find ”the limit” with me. I was confronted with a very polite and smiling Venezuelan who genuinely appreciated my well wishes. Maybe I reminded him of Hugo…another man who surely spoke of his balls—or at least believed in Pastor’s.

Hat Tip: The Telegraph

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Daniel Johnson

Usually “the limit” is how late one can brake or how fast you can go. In Pastor’s case it’s more of the limit of how hard you can hit a car before you damage something.

darkslide_77

He needs to do his talking on the track…plain and simple

jakobusvdl

He does, and it is ;-)

David Hughes

In Massa’s defence, he was taken out in most of his crashes last year. Kobayashi in Australia. Magnussen at Silverstone, I think, the one where he got flipped. Canada, Perez cut across him as he was going for the overtake. So to bring Massa up in this conversation isn’t right really.

Scott Crawford

This Maldonado interview reads like one of those ‘real insurance claim forms’

‘I looked across at my mother-in-law and drove into the river,’
‘I pulled into my driveway and collided with a tree I didn’t have,’
‘my balls are so huge that I find I just have to drive into people.’ etc. etc…

Paul KieferJr

Hello, Pastor? This is what we call “OVERSHAAAAAAARE”.

runnah
Paul KieferJr

That was way too obvious.

runnah

Sometimes the lowest hanging fruit is the tastiest!!!

Shocks&Awe

Maldonado’s notion of the ‘limit’ seems to be about how hard you can hit another car without compromising your race. Reminds me of a little lesson the WOPR once learned…

Haggis

The only reason he is still with Lotus is because he brings money…

jakobusvdl

Either that or Lotus have adopted a massive Venezuelan macho culture that ranks Maldo’s testicular fortitude to risk damage by consistently driving beyond his capabilities, much higher than any intellectual ability to drive to those limits and score points.
Time for a team name change, to Torro Lotus?