The World of Frantic F1

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After a long break Frantic returns and his latest article will now follow him day to day…

Sunday 29th August

“You stupid cheese lover.” Probably not how you should start a fresh article but I’m trying to cut down on my swearing and Alonso did stick it into the barrier. I guess the job Rubens did on the poor F10 on lap 1 wasn’t enough. Still it could be worse. You could be Jenson Button’s side pod…

It’s dawned on me that in-between posting on the forum, filming Frantic F1, losing it all to two computer crashes and then getting an unhealthy addiction to twitter I think about F1 daily. I check motorsport websites daily and always think about this stuff. Who do I tell? No one. Todd and I are last 2 Ferrari fans on F1B. The only thing worse is coming around after a minor operation and you find yourself trying to work out if Vettel has the points lead. That’s not normal. And no, Vettel didn’t have the lead at the time.
So here we go off on a new journey of what goes on in my head. It could be good case notes for any trainee psychiatrists.

Monday 30th August.

So the news is full of Vettels “pass” (I’m not sure what it should really be called.) Of course it’s time to jump on the Vettel bashing wagon. The question of his race craft has come up again and no doubt will again. It’s fair to say Vettel is better up front, it seems, but then so is any driver. At least he has a go. How many times have we heard a driver say, “I just couldn’t get past” or “I had to wait for the stops”, and it makes you want to punch them in the face. Vettel has had his share of crashes though. We know he likes to crash into Webber but then in 2008 he did fail to make a single lap in 3 of the first 4 races (In fact he failed to finish the first 4 races; not all his own fault though) just don’t ask him to park the car is my best suggestion.

In other news how is it that Massa was not spotted being way over his grid slot position. Martin Brundle called it before the lights went out. The FIA, teams, marshals and grid sensors missed it? Wow. I am amazed Martin Whitmarsh hasn’t cried about it, maybe he was still looking at those front wings a bit too much.

Tuesday 31st August

How cute is team love eh? Lewis Hamilton Feels “sorry” for Button after his DNF. Maybe that should read “I feel sorry for Button as now he really is my tea boy for the rest of this season.” Full credit to Button however, I know he is not totally out of it but his chances took a hammer blow. At the same time I didn’t expect him to give Lewis much of a hard time this year. Maybe next year or as its known to some “The David Coulthard syndrome” and which was known before that as “The Ferrari promise” 1979 to 2000 (see you will learn all sorts if you stick around)

Now the big story of the day for me was Nikki Lauda backtracking on his team order comments. His exact words ,”I’ve never said that stuff,” was quoted by a paper. “On television I only said that team orders are not good for F1 and for the spectacle, and that a team like Red Bull, by leaving Webber and Vettel free to fight, is doing the right thing. Please write that I didn’t do any interview.”

“I’d authorize [team orders], but only from the moment that one of the two drivers is out of the title race.”
It’s probably time to clear this whole Lauda issue up. Nikki Lauda or “nutty Lauda” as his carers call him. The poor guy just wonders round the house talking rubbish and reporters keep sneaking in, no matter what the security does, and Lauda just mumbles away to himself. After Hockenhiem, Nikki was very upset and confused with what went on in Germany and some crafty reporter sneaked in past the big bodyguard and got a mike under Nutty Nikki’s nose and poor Nutty lost in his rant doesn’t even remember what he said. Then just after he said it the bodyguards naturally grabbed hold of the reporter beat him as the nurses got Lauda some tea and biscuits then he had a little sleep and some “medication” of course the poor guy comes back around and sees the horse whisperer going nuts and what’s a guy to do?

Of course a similar thing happens with Bernie Ecclestone, the only difference is he sits on a park bench muttering to himself and offering pocket-warm-toffee whilst reporters take comments. Of course Bernie hasn’t gone totally made. The warm toffee costs £50 a sweet.

Wednesday 1st September.

Just to prove Ferrari really is trying to give Massa the cold shoulder, I read that he is going to Hungary this weekend to drive the F2008 on a “Ferrari day”. Wow bet that’s one track he wants to keep revisiting. What’s next? He has to go round the circuit whilst Rubens Barrichello drives just in front of him with a box full of things that he drops randomly around the circuit? Felipe, if you are reading this stop now. Go look at your contract and the small print. All of it.

Thursday 2nd September


Friday 3rd September

It’s only taken almost a week but the FIA have launched an investigation into how Massa managed to start in pole almost instead of 6th. Of course the result is declared and nothing can be done. However, this all makes sense. It is quite clear why the 8th September is the date of the Ferrari hearing. Its takes that long to explain to the FIA what actually went on.

Saturday 4th September

So Karun Chandhok drove a 2009 Red Bull around the Korean track on a demo run. Well at least he is in a car and even if it is last years model and on the harder demo tyres he must still be thinking “wow this is wayyyyyy better than the HRT” Still it’s a shame he is being left on the sidelines while Yena, oops sorry, um…I mean Yamamoto taking his drive. Hope he manages to find something to drive on a more full time basis.

Speaking of the good old Korean track, well it’s not old, its new. So new in fact that it’s not properly finished. Chandhok has said, however, the track is in a lot better shape than the doom-mongers would have you believe. Which is a shame in a way as I was thinking of a great kids show I could have added them too.
Its called “The land of make believe”. It features all the great characters from the F1 world, like Ken Anderson and Peter Windsor, from the failure commonly known as USF1, and they have a next door Neighbour called Simon Gillette whose plan it is to start a grand Prix with no money or proper infrastructure. I’ll be honest; I’m short of characters and plot. Right now it just features the above sitting in a circle singing a happy song and pretending their dreams will come true. Naturally they realise this can never happen and in their dismay and distress they become addicted to drink and drugs to get over the pain of failure. Apparently this “Isn’t suitable for a children’s programme”; political correctness gone mad.

So ideally if the Korean organisers fail I can add them to my show. They can all eat pie, sing songs and pretend they succeeded or something. Like I say the plot is thin on the ground but it does end with USF1 racing on the Donnington circuit whilst Coulthard takes a championship and Massa, who hits Luca Di Motezemolo with a spring, finishes just ahead of Alonso whilst the FIA penalise Schumacher for hitting Damon Hill in Adelaide, apparently a record quick reaction for the FIA…


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